the eighth installment:

jax 2006 Oscar Roundup – Jews and Gays, The Joke's On You Edition

Another evening of pretentiousness and borderline nudity has come and gone, and since you've been dreaming about this for past year, I now give you this year's real awards:

The Lesser of Five or Six Evils Award

First, they took away my Melissa and Joan Rivers. Then, they took away my Star Jones and Kathy Griffith. I really was getting nervous about how the red carpet show could possibly tank without them.

And then I saw Isaac The Groper Mizrahi. If there were ever any doubts that he'd be able to do a good job, those doubts were quickly confirmed as he tap danced through interview after interview like a fish out of water with no moisturizer or concealer.

The Pedicured Foot in Surgically Altered Mouth Award

As an interviewer, Mizrahi is a hell of a designer.

Mizrahi highlights included telling rapper Ludicris that his diamond earrings were 'cute'.

There was also his poignent moment speaking with Dolly Parton. After chatting about the hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewellery she was wearing, Parton chuckled "I'm too cheap to ever spend that kind of money."

To which Mizrahi answered "Exactly."

I especially loved her face during the extended pause after that while he checked his notes.

The Border Crossing Award

Of course, watching the Red Carpet show presented by E! meant I'd have to skip the coverage on E! Talk Daily featuring Ben Mulroney, Canada's answer to D-List celebrity gushers. I decided to stick with Isaac, figuring that he would be the lesser of two intellects.

During a quick visit to the Canadian show, I was fortunate to catch Mulroney actually ask Bahar Soomekh (from Crash) to introduce herself to the Canadian audience. Perhaps next time, Mulroney would be better off not even acknowledging actresses he's never heard of.

The Father, The Son and the Useless Host Award

All in all, watching the E! presentation hosted by Ryan Seacrest was fun. Especially the way he talked over guests trying to answer his questions.

(By the way, who is Seacrest and why is he everywhere on radio and tv now? Who the hell is he blowing anyway?)

With botched interviews, random people in background shots and overall poor pacing, watching the E! Red Carpet show was like witnessing a high school drama club trying to recreate a Fellini film.

All in all, a great shout out to this collection of misfits and mistalents.

The In The Pink Award

Goes to Dolly Parton, who wore a pink number during the pre-game show that made her look like a giant bottle of Pepto Bismol. A bottle of Pepto Bismol with huge tits, that is.

On To The Show Award

First off, I liked Chris Rock last year. And I liked Jon Stewart this year.

I particularly liked the opening skit which featured Rock, along with Billy Crystal, Whoopie Goldberg, Steve Martin and Dave Letterman.

Tough crowd once Stewart got going, though. Hollywoodians still have trouble laughing at themselves. This was especially evident when Ben Stiller, dressed in a green one-piece and pretending to cavort in front of a green screen, made a comment about baffling Steven Spielberg – you could actually see Spielberg mouth the words that he wasn't baffled.

Christ, there must be a way to use the millions of dollars you've made at our expense and buy a freaking sense of humour.

In Case of a Tie Award

This goes to Nick Parks and Steve Box, winners of Best Animated Feature for Wallace & Gromit. Both came on stage wearing shockingly gaudy bow ties large enough to hang glide with. Of course, it was a joke (some weird, British joke), punctuated by them putting small matching ties on their Oscars.

(Of course, by 'their Oscars' I mean the statuettes, and not their ... uh ... never mind)

The What Were You Thinking Award

To the producers of the show who gathered together a collection of film clips that were meant to be appreciated on the big screen. And were then shown to a television audience around the world.

Gaydar Award

Although I haven't seen the movie, from the clips I saw during the Oscars, it looked to me that Philip Seymour Hoffman played the part of Truman Capote a little too 'gay'.

Best Save Award

Jennifer Garner, who almost tripped over her dress and fell on her face. As she recovered, she told everyone that she does her own stunts.

The That'll Do Pig Award

To Bill Conti and his quick-draw orchestra for cutting short two major thank-you speeches of the night - Original Screenplay and Best Picture (strangely enough, both for Crash and both with Paul Haggis on stage).

It's one thing to cut off the short film guy yammering on about his family in Yugoslavia, but best picture?!?

Dudes, lighten up.

Conspicuously Absent Award

Always a sad but poignant moment of the broadcast is the obituary reel. But I noticed that three pretty large names were missing, all of whom died last weekend:

Don Knotts, Darrin McGavin and Dennis Weaver.

Unless the show was taped a week ago, I'm sure they could have scratched together a few stills or clips on short notice of these three actors many of us grew up with.

It was a relatively short night, and I still have two bottles of beer in the fridge, so I'll end it here.

All-in-all, a rather subdued affair with the awards spread pretty evenly on a night relying heavily on compilation reels.

Perhaps for next year, the producers of the show will focus more on the high points of this year's event: pimps and hookers on stage, and an ample display of cleavage in the audience.

And give Jon Stewart another chance.

Till next year ...

For a selection of previous roundups, click below:

Oscar Roundup 2005

Oscar Roundup 2004

Oscar Roundup 2003

Oscar Roundup 2002

Oscar Roundup 2001

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